While the weekend death of 27 year old singer Amy Winehouse has left many folks saddened and distressed, it has left few actually surprised. In fact, it seems like our world has been filled with celebrities young and old who seem clearly on a path to self-destruction and there is little the public, let alone their family, can do to stop this freight-train of personal ruin. When this devastating path leads from bottle to pills to grave, leaving only misery in its wake, the world grieves not just the loss of a young life but the vision of what may have been given the great talent involved.
What sort of cautionary tale is this for the likes of Lindsey Lohan or Charlie Sheen, who seem to be also wallowing in behavior that at best reeks of poor judgment and at worst is plain dangerous? The sad truth is that they will learn nothing. Amy Winehouse follows Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Heath Ledger, John Belushi, Jim Morrison, Chris Farley, Jimi Hendrix, River Phoenix and far too many more to name in one short blog posting. If Amy did not learn from Kurt who failed to learn from John who did not learn from Jimi, then any celebrity currently battling their own addictions will not learn from her. There is a pathology to the way that celebrities view themselves and the world that leaves them impervious to lessons that seem all too obvious to the rest of us.
The death of Amy Winehouse is tragic beyond belief, but she has been on the short list of celebrities-who-will-die-too-soon for quite some time. Once someone has committed themselves to prescribing their own death via drinking and/or drugs, there is little that anyone else can do to alter that pathway. I am sure that Ms. Winehouse’s parents, extended family, close friends and professional management team have begged her to change her ways. They have likely cried more tears than we can imagine and mentally prepared for her funeral hundreds of times. None of this changed the way she lived and none of this altered the timeline for her death. She needed help in the most desperate way and could not claw her way towards health, as the draw of the addiction was stronger than anything she had in her spiritual or emotional arsenal.
A picture was released in 2007 of Amy Winehouse wandering in the streets of London, wearing only a bra and jeans. She is disoriented, confused, out of control and appears nothing short of desperate. The camera catches her raising her hands as if to surrender and she is naked both physically and emotionally. It is a scene of desperation and one that speaks to her complete helplessness over the addiction that had consumed her very existence. It is, in a word, sad.
RIP Amy Winehouse.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Real Price That Deadbeat Parents Pay
Many of the myths surrounding child support continue to shock and surprise me, even 16 years into my own process. As I peruse child support forums in preparation for this blog, and for my own information, there are several fairytales that persist. The most common one is this: The money I pay to my ex does not go to my kid. Every single time a parent paying $30 or $100 per week makes this allegation I am torn between laughing and screaming. The kids in question needs clothing, food, shelter, education, social activities, medical care, haircuts, new shoes, a blow dryer, eyeglasses, poster board for a school project, tights for a ballet performance, knee pads for soccer, money for a field trip, and more. You really believe your small amount is going to some other cause? Not a chance. In fact, your small amount does not even begin to impact the real expenses that the child incurs. There are costs you cannot even wrap your brain around, such as having to rent a 2 bedroom apartment for $1,000 versus a one bedroom at $800 because you have a child. Or, buying a home in a great school district for $325,000 versus one in a mediocre district for $275,000.
The fact of the matter is that the custodial parent has no choice in paying for these expenses, whether the non-custodial parent pays up or not. Can she go to the school and say “Sorry, can’t pay tuition until my ex pays me”? Can she tell the child, “Nope, no new eyeglasses until Daddy comes through”? No, the expenses need to be paid and the custodial parent just prays that the money comes through…eventually….someday. If there is such a concept of economic or fiscal abuse, this is it. And it is abuse that the custodial parent cannot walk away from.
Something I have heard hundreds of times in my own Child Support Journey is, “All you care about is money”. Funny, only folks that owe other people money say things like this. It is an attempt to make me look petty, superficial and shallow. It does not work and fails to affect me personally, because I know that whether the money is there or not I am still on the frontlines of parenting taking care of financial needs, emotional needs, academic needs, social needs and basic needs. I need to do that whether I have gotten $100 in the last month or $100 in the last year. My duties as a parent endure, even as the flow of money stops. The bottom line is this: The money matters.
Still, deadbeat parents do pay a price that is much higher than just the money piece. I have yet to talk to a deadbeat parent that has a close and loving relationship with their child. In fact, the older the child gets the more they realize the truth of the matter even as the custodial parent never says a word about her financial strain. In my own case, I never once spoke to my child about the money owed as I felt that this was a burden that a child does not need thrust upon their shoulders. On the other hand, I also never once withheld visitation in some nasty effort to punish my ex. My very wise divorce attorney told me early on that money and visitation are completely separate issues and that one has no bearing on the other. He also said that I should always do the right thing even as the other parent did the wrong thing, because if we ever end up back in court I will want to stand before the judge with clean hands. There were years where I got zero dollars even as my child visited his father nearly every weekend.
As Bradley matured, though, the truth of the matter became evident to him and he knew that a man that did not care for his child from a financial perspective did not care about him at all. The easy part is going to the park or the movies or riding bikes with your kid. The hard part is putting your child’s financial needs ahead of your own and saying to yourself, “Gee, I really need to get in shape and would love a gym membership, but my child needs braces”. Know how often a custodial parent that is owed money says such things to themselves? Daily.
Now, so many years later, my son has turned into an amazing young man ready to start college in six weeks. Two years ago he opted on his own and for very personal reasons to walk away from his father for good. And, he has never looked back. His biological father did not see him graduate from high school, will not see him graduate from college, will not see him marry, and will never know his grandchildren. He will never know the pain of sharing Bradley’s heartaches or the pure joy as he has fallen in love with a lovely young woman. He will not be there to help select a graduate school, fuss over buying the perfect first car or help straighten his tie for his first job interview.
He has sold all of this privilege, all of this honor, all of this blessing for five digits worth of past due support. What a shame for him.
The fact of the matter is that the custodial parent has no choice in paying for these expenses, whether the non-custodial parent pays up or not. Can she go to the school and say “Sorry, can’t pay tuition until my ex pays me”? Can she tell the child, “Nope, no new eyeglasses until Daddy comes through”? No, the expenses need to be paid and the custodial parent just prays that the money comes through…eventually….someday. If there is such a concept of economic or fiscal abuse, this is it. And it is abuse that the custodial parent cannot walk away from.
Something I have heard hundreds of times in my own Child Support Journey is, “All you care about is money”. Funny, only folks that owe other people money say things like this. It is an attempt to make me look petty, superficial and shallow. It does not work and fails to affect me personally, because I know that whether the money is there or not I am still on the frontlines of parenting taking care of financial needs, emotional needs, academic needs, social needs and basic needs. I need to do that whether I have gotten $100 in the last month or $100 in the last year. My duties as a parent endure, even as the flow of money stops. The bottom line is this: The money matters.
Still, deadbeat parents do pay a price that is much higher than just the money piece. I have yet to talk to a deadbeat parent that has a close and loving relationship with their child. In fact, the older the child gets the more they realize the truth of the matter even as the custodial parent never says a word about her financial strain. In my own case, I never once spoke to my child about the money owed as I felt that this was a burden that a child does not need thrust upon their shoulders. On the other hand, I also never once withheld visitation in some nasty effort to punish my ex. My very wise divorce attorney told me early on that money and visitation are completely separate issues and that one has no bearing on the other. He also said that I should always do the right thing even as the other parent did the wrong thing, because if we ever end up back in court I will want to stand before the judge with clean hands. There were years where I got zero dollars even as my child visited his father nearly every weekend.
As Bradley matured, though, the truth of the matter became evident to him and he knew that a man that did not care for his child from a financial perspective did not care about him at all. The easy part is going to the park or the movies or riding bikes with your kid. The hard part is putting your child’s financial needs ahead of your own and saying to yourself, “Gee, I really need to get in shape and would love a gym membership, but my child needs braces”. Know how often a custodial parent that is owed money says such things to themselves? Daily.
Now, so many years later, my son has turned into an amazing young man ready to start college in six weeks. Two years ago he opted on his own and for very personal reasons to walk away from his father for good. And, he has never looked back. His biological father did not see him graduate from high school, will not see him graduate from college, will not see him marry, and will never know his grandchildren. He will never know the pain of sharing Bradley’s heartaches or the pure joy as he has fallen in love with a lovely young woman. He will not be there to help select a graduate school, fuss over buying the perfect first car or help straighten his tie for his first job interview.
He has sold all of this privilege, all of this honor, all of this blessing for five digits worth of past due support. What a shame for him.
Friday, July 8, 2011
A Broken Child Support System
I would like to preface this blog, and all related blogs to follow, by saying that I am not a child support collection expert. I am not an attorney, financial advisor or CPA. I am just a mother that desperately wants what is best for her children, including protecting their financial interests. I would also like to mention that the current support owed to me by my first husband is a staggering $70,000. Bear in mind that this is support only and does not include 50% of other owed expenses such as medical insurance, day care expenses, and school tuition. If we crunched those numbers, we would be closer to $100,000. The current order that is in place for this case, not that it seriously matters because the ex could care less, is a mere $70 per week. This means that if I started get support today…literally, today…that he would be all paid up sans any interest in 1,000 weeks. For those of you without a calculator handy, this is about 20 years. Yes, I will be collecting child support at the same time I am collecting Medicare. Even as I reflect on this, my stomach twists and turns in a maddening cocktail of rage, astonishment and pure helplessness.
While I live in Illinois, I also have experience with the child support system in both Ohio and Florida. However, it seems that Illinois is light-years behind many other states when it comes to child support enforcement and my case is no exception. I wonder at times if I am too lax in my approach or too patient in waiting for what is owed me. The fact of the matter is that it takes time, energy and money to pursue delinquent child support and I am short on all of those things. As a freelance writer, if I am not at home working on a project for a client then I do not get paid. I do not have the luxury of abandoning my work in pursuit of money that I know in my gut I may never receive.
In the last 6 months I have traveled four times more than 120 miles round-trip to the Lake County Courthouse in Waukegan, Illinois. This is nearly 500 miles and with gas nearing $4 per gallon I have spent $100 in order to get a zero net return. Obviously, this does not even include the money I could be making if I were at home for those hours actually making money. Yes, I would end up making more money if I simply stopped pursuing child support. How sickening is that?
My current husband, who is pragmatic almost to a fault, believes that I should simply wash my hands of the matter and if money floats our way, so be it. And if it does not, I will have saved myself money, endless tears and nonstop aggravation. He knows that this outstanding balance will never evaporate and that it will eventually catch up with the ex. He knows that in a thousand different ways our lives are more magnificent than the ex could even hope to imagine for himself. Of course, he is right. But let’s not tell him that….yet.
Because my case is being handled by the Illinois States Attorney’s office I am at their mercy regarding whether they actually act on my case. I cannot reach anyone by phone, by fax or by mail. For those who have never lived within the child support system, you probably imagine that as soon as a check is missing you can pick up the phone and say, “Well, he is late again. Please do something”. It simply does not work like that. In the 16 years that I have been dealing with this matter, I have stood before a judge a total of three times. The first time was six months ago when the ex asked for a reduction in support (granted). A reduction? Are you freaking kidding me? The second time was a month ago when the judge wanted (after I pleaded a bit previously) an update on the exes employment status. In that case, he never even showed up and so the case was continued until yesterday. Yes, read that again…he never even showed up to court. Surely something happens in that case, right? I mean, contempt or a fine or something? Nothing. I stood in front of the judge feeling as though my head was going to explode. It did not and I drove home with tears streaming down my cheeks.
There is so much to this case that I will continue nearly daily updates on this until either I get a bit of money or I finally take my husband’s advice to walk away from this frustrating journey. Stay tuned as tomorrow I will outline for you just what my ex is missing out on, when it comes to my amazing son and why my son has made his own choice to walk away from his biological father.
While I live in Illinois, I also have experience with the child support system in both Ohio and Florida. However, it seems that Illinois is light-years behind many other states when it comes to child support enforcement and my case is no exception. I wonder at times if I am too lax in my approach or too patient in waiting for what is owed me. The fact of the matter is that it takes time, energy and money to pursue delinquent child support and I am short on all of those things. As a freelance writer, if I am not at home working on a project for a client then I do not get paid. I do not have the luxury of abandoning my work in pursuit of money that I know in my gut I may never receive.
In the last 6 months I have traveled four times more than 120 miles round-trip to the Lake County Courthouse in Waukegan, Illinois. This is nearly 500 miles and with gas nearing $4 per gallon I have spent $100 in order to get a zero net return. Obviously, this does not even include the money I could be making if I were at home for those hours actually making money. Yes, I would end up making more money if I simply stopped pursuing child support. How sickening is that?
My current husband, who is pragmatic almost to a fault, believes that I should simply wash my hands of the matter and if money floats our way, so be it. And if it does not, I will have saved myself money, endless tears and nonstop aggravation. He knows that this outstanding balance will never evaporate and that it will eventually catch up with the ex. He knows that in a thousand different ways our lives are more magnificent than the ex could even hope to imagine for himself. Of course, he is right. But let’s not tell him that….yet.
Because my case is being handled by the Illinois States Attorney’s office I am at their mercy regarding whether they actually act on my case. I cannot reach anyone by phone, by fax or by mail. For those who have never lived within the child support system, you probably imagine that as soon as a check is missing you can pick up the phone and say, “Well, he is late again. Please do something”. It simply does not work like that. In the 16 years that I have been dealing with this matter, I have stood before a judge a total of three times. The first time was six months ago when the ex asked for a reduction in support (granted). A reduction? Are you freaking kidding me? The second time was a month ago when the judge wanted (after I pleaded a bit previously) an update on the exes employment status. In that case, he never even showed up and so the case was continued until yesterday. Yes, read that again…he never even showed up to court. Surely something happens in that case, right? I mean, contempt or a fine or something? Nothing. I stood in front of the judge feeling as though my head was going to explode. It did not and I drove home with tears streaming down my cheeks.
There is so much to this case that I will continue nearly daily updates on this until either I get a bit of money or I finally take my husband’s advice to walk away from this frustrating journey. Stay tuned as tomorrow I will outline for you just what my ex is missing out on, when it comes to my amazing son and why my son has made his own choice to walk away from his biological father.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Tips for Reducing Healthcare Expenses
Whether you have health insurance with your current employer or you are self-insured, there is no question that healthcare expenses are too much for the average household budget. In fact, according to a 2007 Harvard University study 62% of the personal bankruptcies that occur in the United States are due to unmanageable medical expenses. While this percentage has decreased a bit in the subsequent few years, it is still holding at greater than 50%. Because of this, folks are looking for ways to possibly reduce what they spend on healthcare for themselves and their family. Following are several great tips that may help you in keeping healthcare expenses low.
Insurance Via Your Employer
If you are employed and have insurance through your employer, you should request from your supervisor or Human Resources Department a full outline of all of your health insurance options. In some cases, employees are offered a variety of plans (HMO, PPO, POS) through the same insurance company. Given these three options, HMOs will nearly always end up being the most cost economical. While restrictions apply to HMOs, most people find that this plan more than satisfies all of their healthcare needs and is a plan that is very easy to work with. If you follow all of the rules of an HMO (e.g. obtaining referrals, staying in network, etc.), you will procure the maximum benefit levels allowed by the plan. In fact, you will likely have no out of pocket expense except for your copayment. If you do not have an HMO option via your employer sponsored plan, you should still consult with your plan administrator to determine if there is any way to reduce your monthly premium expense. For instance, if you have a flexible spending account (FSA) or health savings account (HSA) you may be able to pay for your health insurance premiums with pre-tax dollars.
Adjusting Your Deductible
If you are self-employed or have retired early you may have to purchase your own health insurance plan without any employer assistance or subsidy. While you will not get the monetary enhancement that you would with an employer sponsored plan, you will have greater control over the expense and insurance options that you choose for your family. The primary way to keep your plan at a reasonable rate is to maintain a high but manageable deductible. If you are young or fairly healthy, this will prove to be a huge cost savings. For instance, the same insurance plan via a national insurance carrier will cost a 30 year old female $174 per month with a $1,000 annual deductible versus $56 per month with a $5,00 deductible. This is a cost savings of $118 per month or more than $1,400 over the course of one year. You should try to find a sensible balance of premium expense and deductible.
Short Term Plans
If you are temporarily unemployed or an adult college student not eligible for placement on a spouses plan, you should opt for a short term health insurance plan. These policies are very reasonably priced and do provide at least a measure of insurance coverage. At the very least, you will get the insurance carrier discount when seeing a physician. This may mean the difference between paying $75 for an office visit (no insurance) and $57 (insurance plan rate applied). These short term plans are valid for up to 6 months, but may be renewed regularly. As with any other plan, try to find a plan that has a manageable blend of monthly premium expense and annual deductible. There are several online sites that offer short term policies and you can usually know within just a few moments if your application has been approved.
Health Insurance Discount Programs
Most of the major health insurance companies offer to their members a variety of discount programs in an effort to ensure that they remain healthy and have a reduced number of medical claims. For instance, you may receive 15% off of a gym membership, 20% off of mail-order vitamin supplements or 25% off of a weight management program via a national chain. Contact your health insurance company to see what programs they offer to their members. In most cases, you can view that information right on the carrier’s website.
Working With Physicians and Hospitals
If you have no insurance at all or your insurance company has paid very little on a high dollar claim, you should appeal directly to the providers for assistance with the outstanding balance. Do not wait to do this while hoping that the outstanding balance will evaporate or you may risk going to collections. You just need to contact the Office Manager of the physician office or the Patient Accounts Department of the hospital and discuss the matter directly with them. In your discussions, be honest with them and tell them that you are experiencing an economic hardship. In the case of a bill for physician services, they may be willing to discount your bill up to 50%. For hospital bills, depending on your financial situation you may have up to 100% of the bill written off. If you approach these folks with honesty and integrity, they will work with you with regards to your outstanding balance.
Freebies
Both large and small hospitals have health outreach programs for their community and the programs are often free. Services that are offered may include: nutritional counseling, diabetic counseling, exercise programs, pregnancy services, healthy cooking classes, smoking cessation programs, asthma management programs and more. Contact your local hospital to see what they are offering that may be of benefit to you. Also, most of the major health insurance companies have nurses that staff a free hotline for medical inquiries 24 hours a day. They can address questions such as:
• What are the symptoms of sunstroke?
• What is the difference between a sinus infection and the common cold?
• Should I put ice on a sprained ankle?
• What should I do with a colicky infant?
Finally, another great freebie for you is right at your physician’s office. If your insurance plan does not cover medications, or covers them at a very low level, you should take the time to ask your doctor for samples of any medications you take. The pharmaceutical companies regularly provide to physician offices plenty of samples, which the doctor will be happy to share with you.
Whether you are insured, uninsured or underinsured, managing your healthcare expenses can be a real challenge. Using some of these tips should help alleviate some of that burden and ensure that your bank account remains as healthy as you do.
Insurance Via Your Employer
If you are employed and have insurance through your employer, you should request from your supervisor or Human Resources Department a full outline of all of your health insurance options. In some cases, employees are offered a variety of plans (HMO, PPO, POS) through the same insurance company. Given these three options, HMOs will nearly always end up being the most cost economical. While restrictions apply to HMOs, most people find that this plan more than satisfies all of their healthcare needs and is a plan that is very easy to work with. If you follow all of the rules of an HMO (e.g. obtaining referrals, staying in network, etc.), you will procure the maximum benefit levels allowed by the plan. In fact, you will likely have no out of pocket expense except for your copayment. If you do not have an HMO option via your employer sponsored plan, you should still consult with your plan administrator to determine if there is any way to reduce your monthly premium expense. For instance, if you have a flexible spending account (FSA) or health savings account (HSA) you may be able to pay for your health insurance premiums with pre-tax dollars.
Adjusting Your Deductible
If you are self-employed or have retired early you may have to purchase your own health insurance plan without any employer assistance or subsidy. While you will not get the monetary enhancement that you would with an employer sponsored plan, you will have greater control over the expense and insurance options that you choose for your family. The primary way to keep your plan at a reasonable rate is to maintain a high but manageable deductible. If you are young or fairly healthy, this will prove to be a huge cost savings. For instance, the same insurance plan via a national insurance carrier will cost a 30 year old female $174 per month with a $1,000 annual deductible versus $56 per month with a $5,00 deductible. This is a cost savings of $118 per month or more than $1,400 over the course of one year. You should try to find a sensible balance of premium expense and deductible.
Short Term Plans
If you are temporarily unemployed or an adult college student not eligible for placement on a spouses plan, you should opt for a short term health insurance plan. These policies are very reasonably priced and do provide at least a measure of insurance coverage. At the very least, you will get the insurance carrier discount when seeing a physician. This may mean the difference between paying $75 for an office visit (no insurance) and $57 (insurance plan rate applied). These short term plans are valid for up to 6 months, but may be renewed regularly. As with any other plan, try to find a plan that has a manageable blend of monthly premium expense and annual deductible. There are several online sites that offer short term policies and you can usually know within just a few moments if your application has been approved.
Health Insurance Discount Programs
Most of the major health insurance companies offer to their members a variety of discount programs in an effort to ensure that they remain healthy and have a reduced number of medical claims. For instance, you may receive 15% off of a gym membership, 20% off of mail-order vitamin supplements or 25% off of a weight management program via a national chain. Contact your health insurance company to see what programs they offer to their members. In most cases, you can view that information right on the carrier’s website.
Working With Physicians and Hospitals
If you have no insurance at all or your insurance company has paid very little on a high dollar claim, you should appeal directly to the providers for assistance with the outstanding balance. Do not wait to do this while hoping that the outstanding balance will evaporate or you may risk going to collections. You just need to contact the Office Manager of the physician office or the Patient Accounts Department of the hospital and discuss the matter directly with them. In your discussions, be honest with them and tell them that you are experiencing an economic hardship. In the case of a bill for physician services, they may be willing to discount your bill up to 50%. For hospital bills, depending on your financial situation you may have up to 100% of the bill written off. If you approach these folks with honesty and integrity, they will work with you with regards to your outstanding balance.
Freebies
Both large and small hospitals have health outreach programs for their community and the programs are often free. Services that are offered may include: nutritional counseling, diabetic counseling, exercise programs, pregnancy services, healthy cooking classes, smoking cessation programs, asthma management programs and more. Contact your local hospital to see what they are offering that may be of benefit to you. Also, most of the major health insurance companies have nurses that staff a free hotline for medical inquiries 24 hours a day. They can address questions such as:
• What are the symptoms of sunstroke?
• What is the difference between a sinus infection and the common cold?
• Should I put ice on a sprained ankle?
• What should I do with a colicky infant?
Finally, another great freebie for you is right at your physician’s office. If your insurance plan does not cover medications, or covers them at a very low level, you should take the time to ask your doctor for samples of any medications you take. The pharmaceutical companies regularly provide to physician offices plenty of samples, which the doctor will be happy to share with you.
Whether you are insured, uninsured or underinsured, managing your healthcare expenses can be a real challenge. Using some of these tips should help alleviate some of that burden and ensure that your bank account remains as healthy as you do.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Breaking News: Casey Anthony is Found Not Guilty
At about 1:15p CDT the verdict was finally returned in the Casey Anthony trial. As you may know by now, the verdict was not guilty for all of the main charges including first degree murder. She was, however, guilty of providing false information to law enforcement officials in this matter. I believe that I have literally felt my heart fall to the floor as those words….Not Guilty….float from my television and to my unbelieving ears. As I watch tears of relief fall from the eyes of Casey Anthony, the rage is rising within me as I wonder how many tears of grief she has shed for her deceased baby girl.
This trial has captured the attention of the nation for a variety of reasons. The little baby girl, Caylee Marie Anthony, was so very cute. So very innocent. So very helpless. And now that the trial has run its course and this shocking verdict is alarming the good folks of our nation, Caylee is also so very without justice as well. In many ways it feels like the O.J. Simpson trial all over again and the hollowness in my heart persists without end.
I have not followed this trial as diligently as others, but have gleaned enough to get a real sense for what was going on in this horrible matter. Perhaps it is because I am a mother myself, or perhaps simply because I have a soul, I cannot fathom not turning the world upside down in an effort to find my child who had been missing for four long weeks. Hell, after five minutes of not spotting my kids at a playground I can be found searching every tree, swing and parked car like a lunatic. Albeit, a caring, loving, and protective lunatic. What Casey Anthony has displayed was not just poor parenting, but it was flat out criminal regardless of the insane verdict that was just announced.
Caylee Marie Anthony, we will never forget your precious angel face. Caylee Marie Anthony we will never forget that your mother has gotten away with murder. Caylee Marie Anthony we, as a civil society, are so very sorry about this injustice.
This trial has captured the attention of the nation for a variety of reasons. The little baby girl, Caylee Marie Anthony, was so very cute. So very innocent. So very helpless. And now that the trial has run its course and this shocking verdict is alarming the good folks of our nation, Caylee is also so very without justice as well. In many ways it feels like the O.J. Simpson trial all over again and the hollowness in my heart persists without end.
I have not followed this trial as diligently as others, but have gleaned enough to get a real sense for what was going on in this horrible matter. Perhaps it is because I am a mother myself, or perhaps simply because I have a soul, I cannot fathom not turning the world upside down in an effort to find my child who had been missing for four long weeks. Hell, after five minutes of not spotting my kids at a playground I can be found searching every tree, swing and parked car like a lunatic. Albeit, a caring, loving, and protective lunatic. What Casey Anthony has displayed was not just poor parenting, but it was flat out criminal regardless of the insane verdict that was just announced.
Caylee Marie Anthony, we will never forget your precious angel face. Caylee Marie Anthony we will never forget that your mother has gotten away with murder. Caylee Marie Anthony we, as a civil society, are so very sorry about this injustice.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Yet Another Double Standard
Imagine a scene such as this…
A daytime talk show with 4 male co-hosts, average age of about 45, sitting before a live studio audience. The audience is 95% men with an average age of maybe 55. The audience is excited, clapping, laughing and squirming in their seats with near-teenage giddy anticipation. Clearly, something exciting is happening here at Generic Television Studios USA, but what could it be? On stage the co-hosts are as tickled as the audience regarding the impending show featuring one awesome guest.
To the roar of clapping, wolf whistles and general shrieking the much-anticipated guest of the day makes her entrance. It is young Miley Cyrus and the middle aged men in the audience and on the stage are going positively crazy with excitement. Some in the audience hold crudely made signs saying “Seniors for Cyrus” and “Work it Girl” and “Marry Me” while others simply wave their hairy arms trying to capture the attention of this teen sensation. The audience is squirming, wiggling in their seats, and droplets of hormonal fueled perspiration are forming around their hairline. Soon the shrieking intensifies…”We love you Miley!” and “Oh, you are sooo cute!” and “Can I take you home?”. Even the co-hosts are adjusting their ties and smiling nervously, unable to contain their enthusiasm for being just this close to a darling teenager. Their ensuing banter is nothing short of flirtatious and the co-hosts do what they can to stroke Miley’s hand and hair while trying to slip their arm around her waist.
What do you think of this picture I have painted? Pretty cool, huh? No, I didn’t think so either. I think it borders on some sicko pedophilia and, literally, the thought of it turns my stomach. Grown men treating a young girl in this manner? Ugh.
Yet, I was fortunate enough to witness a similar scene just yesterday as I sat down to watch The View when their featured guest was Justin Bieber. They and their audience acted towards him just as I have described above with the Miley Cyrus scenario. And no one seems to be thinking twice about it or thinking that it is grotesque. Except me, of course. Why is that?
Probably for the same reason that when a cute female teacher is caught in a sexcapade with a teen boy there are usually snickers all around and comments along the lines of “Wish my teachers in high school looked like that” or “Yeah, he’s one lucky fella”. Is that fair? No. It sure the hell is not. In fact, it is just one more way that gender equality in this country seems eons away. Just when you think we have finally gotten our act together as a society, little tidbits like this chip away at any perceived progress we may have made. A shame, I tell you. It is a damned shame and it should cease sooner rather than later.
A daytime talk show with 4 male co-hosts, average age of about 45, sitting before a live studio audience. The audience is 95% men with an average age of maybe 55. The audience is excited, clapping, laughing and squirming in their seats with near-teenage giddy anticipation. Clearly, something exciting is happening here at Generic Television Studios USA, but what could it be? On stage the co-hosts are as tickled as the audience regarding the impending show featuring one awesome guest.
To the roar of clapping, wolf whistles and general shrieking the much-anticipated guest of the day makes her entrance. It is young Miley Cyrus and the middle aged men in the audience and on the stage are going positively crazy with excitement. Some in the audience hold crudely made signs saying “Seniors for Cyrus” and “Work it Girl” and “Marry Me” while others simply wave their hairy arms trying to capture the attention of this teen sensation. The audience is squirming, wiggling in their seats, and droplets of hormonal fueled perspiration are forming around their hairline. Soon the shrieking intensifies…”We love you Miley!” and “Oh, you are sooo cute!” and “Can I take you home?”. Even the co-hosts are adjusting their ties and smiling nervously, unable to contain their enthusiasm for being just this close to a darling teenager. Their ensuing banter is nothing short of flirtatious and the co-hosts do what they can to stroke Miley’s hand and hair while trying to slip their arm around her waist.
What do you think of this picture I have painted? Pretty cool, huh? No, I didn’t think so either. I think it borders on some sicko pedophilia and, literally, the thought of it turns my stomach. Grown men treating a young girl in this manner? Ugh.
Yet, I was fortunate enough to witness a similar scene just yesterday as I sat down to watch The View when their featured guest was Justin Bieber. They and their audience acted towards him just as I have described above with the Miley Cyrus scenario. And no one seems to be thinking twice about it or thinking that it is grotesque. Except me, of course. Why is that?
Probably for the same reason that when a cute female teacher is caught in a sexcapade with a teen boy there are usually snickers all around and comments along the lines of “Wish my teachers in high school looked like that” or “Yeah, he’s one lucky fella”. Is that fair? No. It sure the hell is not. In fact, it is just one more way that gender equality in this country seems eons away. Just when you think we have finally gotten our act together as a society, little tidbits like this chip away at any perceived progress we may have made. A shame, I tell you. It is a damned shame and it should cease sooner rather than later.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
What's Your Problem?!
When you talk to people about their childhoods, as I am prone to doing since I am nosy like that, there are typically either a long or short list of complaints that they are quick to register. Maybe their father never said "I love you" or their mother was overbearing or a sibling was clearly the preferred Golden Child. Of course, some complaints are actually rather serious (read: abusive). For the purposes of this blog, that is not truly what I am talking about. I mean, just general bitching and moaning that they were ripped off by not having the ideal childhood. Or, what they presume is ideal.
I mention this because I recently interviewed my brother for a book I am writing about our father. This brother, who shall remain nameless for no real reason other than the fact that "remain nameless" sounds cool and mysterious, is the kind of guy that appears to be totally self-sufficient. Really together. Very much in control and wanting for nothing emotionally. One of those people that accepts whatever life has thrown at them and makes the best of it without looking back. No regrets, no repairs required.
So I was surprised when this Nameless Brother (still uber mysterious, no?) went on and on during our interview about how he had yearned for more attention, affection and positive reinforcement during his childhood. Even now, some 50 years later, these soft emotions and deep disappointment were so apparent. Believe me, we did not come from a neglectful home and he got, in terms of attention, pretty much about the same amount as any other kids in our upper middle class slice of suburbia.
But I don't want to talk about him....this is my blog, so let's bring this back around to me (see, we all crave attention). My own children, Brilliant Bradley and Perfect Paige, have had what I consider a super blessed childhood. Great vacations, constant encouragement, life in a safe subdivision, loads of opportunities, and fully supportive parents. Seriously, in the Championship Of Parenting, my husband and I have successfully landed in the top 10%.
Which leads me back around to my first thought -- childhood complaints. I can't help but wonder that when my kids are quizzed by some nosy friend, neighbor or other intrusive freak about their own childhood, what will they say? Since we all have mild to moderate (if we're lucky) complaints about what went down the first 18 years of our lives, what will these kids who share my DNA say? There must be something.....right? How about "My mother loved me too much" or "My dad provided excessive positive reinforcement" or "What, you think it is so great to be told that you are loved a dozen times per day". Maybe it will be like one of those job interviews where you are asked about your weaknesses and you are supposed to present them in such a way that they are actually strengths. "I am too honest" or "I tend to be a perfectionist". Side note: Seriously, do human resources professional actually believe that BS? What do they really think when people say that? Probably that they are hiding some serious personal flaw, like they plan to pilfer the company pens and steal their co-workers ham on rye sandwich from the communal staff fridge.
In one way I can peep into the future on this one. My kids are space nearly ten years apart, so in a few years I can quiz 18 year Brilliant Bradley about his childhood and then still have a few good years to fix whatever I have broken with Perfect Paige. Still, I think we are clean. You know why? Because amazing children make parenting easy.
I mention this because I recently interviewed my brother for a book I am writing about our father. This brother, who shall remain nameless for no real reason other than the fact that "remain nameless" sounds cool and mysterious, is the kind of guy that appears to be totally self-sufficient. Really together. Very much in control and wanting for nothing emotionally. One of those people that accepts whatever life has thrown at them and makes the best of it without looking back. No regrets, no repairs required.
So I was surprised when this Nameless Brother (still uber mysterious, no?) went on and on during our interview about how he had yearned for more attention, affection and positive reinforcement during his childhood. Even now, some 50 years later, these soft emotions and deep disappointment were so apparent. Believe me, we did not come from a neglectful home and he got, in terms of attention, pretty much about the same amount as any other kids in our upper middle class slice of suburbia.
But I don't want to talk about him....this is my blog, so let's bring this back around to me (see, we all crave attention). My own children, Brilliant Bradley and Perfect Paige, have had what I consider a super blessed childhood. Great vacations, constant encouragement, life in a safe subdivision, loads of opportunities, and fully supportive parents. Seriously, in the Championship Of Parenting, my husband and I have successfully landed in the top 10%.
Which leads me back around to my first thought -- childhood complaints. I can't help but wonder that when my kids are quizzed by some nosy friend, neighbor or other intrusive freak about their own childhood, what will they say? Since we all have mild to moderate (if we're lucky) complaints about what went down the first 18 years of our lives, what will these kids who share my DNA say? There must be something.....right? How about "My mother loved me too much" or "My dad provided excessive positive reinforcement" or "What, you think it is so great to be told that you are loved a dozen times per day". Maybe it will be like one of those job interviews where you are asked about your weaknesses and you are supposed to present them in such a way that they are actually strengths. "I am too honest" or "I tend to be a perfectionist". Side note: Seriously, do human resources professional actually believe that BS? What do they really think when people say that? Probably that they are hiding some serious personal flaw, like they plan to pilfer the company pens and steal their co-workers ham on rye sandwich from the communal staff fridge.
In one way I can peep into the future on this one. My kids are space nearly ten years apart, so in a few years I can quiz 18 year Brilliant Bradley about his childhood and then still have a few good years to fix whatever I have broken with Perfect Paige. Still, I think we are clean. You know why? Because amazing children make parenting easy.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
We Meet Again
Am I the worst blogger in the world? Well, maybe not. I mean, I am not filling this site with homphobic rants (let's leave that to Tracy Morgan), personal attacks on my exes (so not worth my time) or sappy little odes to my children (okay, I am occasionally guilty of that indulgence). I am a Bad Blogger because I am a neglectful blogger. This was to be a chronicle of my amazing life. It was to an open diary that you can peep into and share my joys with me. And here it sits...neglected, dormant, empty and pitiful for lo these many months. Or has it been years? Scroll down and verify for yourself. What am I, your mother? Pull your own weight on this blog.
I will not bore you via getting caught up on the highs and lows of our life here in suburban Chicago. There has been parenting challenges, marital bliss with a side of toe-to-toe disputes, awesome vacations and dismal health issues. There has been the blossoming of children, extended family, lines of business and personal growth. Oh, yes, we have all been to that Zen place by now -- Scott heads there via Budweiser, Bradley by way of guitar genius, Paige is All Zen All The Time and I achieved spiritual and undying peace by writing. Okay, that is a lie. I get paid to write and I happen to like it. Most of the time. Writing 500 words about how great silk flowers are or 750 words about 3D televisions can be mind-numbing. The dance to the bank? Uber gratifying. Do you enjoy your job 100% of the time? Smiling around the water cooler, skipping to your office, singing as you type, mold, design, fix, or whatever? Nope, me neither.
So enough about me and my neglectful habits. Would it surprise you that I also fail to dilligently floss, haven't cleaned out my freezer since the democrats held the House, and have three Christmas items that have yet to make it to the basement? It seems that you and I are fairly similar, no? Because I neglect so much of my life and control so little of it, I vow here and now to commit to this blog. I want you to come back, I want you to be amused (laugh with me, laugh at me, laugh near me) and I want to get back to writing for me....well, also for those folks that pay the bills as well, but mostly it is all about ME.
I will not bore you via getting caught up on the highs and lows of our life here in suburban Chicago. There has been parenting challenges, marital bliss with a side of toe-to-toe disputes, awesome vacations and dismal health issues. There has been the blossoming of children, extended family, lines of business and personal growth. Oh, yes, we have all been to that Zen place by now -- Scott heads there via Budweiser, Bradley by way of guitar genius, Paige is All Zen All The Time and I achieved spiritual and undying peace by writing. Okay, that is a lie. I get paid to write and I happen to like it. Most of the time. Writing 500 words about how great silk flowers are or 750 words about 3D televisions can be mind-numbing. The dance to the bank? Uber gratifying. Do you enjoy your job 100% of the time? Smiling around the water cooler, skipping to your office, singing as you type, mold, design, fix, or whatever? Nope, me neither.
So enough about me and my neglectful habits. Would it surprise you that I also fail to dilligently floss, haven't cleaned out my freezer since the democrats held the House, and have three Christmas items that have yet to make it to the basement? It seems that you and I are fairly similar, no? Because I neglect so much of my life and control so little of it, I vow here and now to commit to this blog. I want you to come back, I want you to be amused (laugh with me, laugh at me, laugh near me) and I want to get back to writing for me....well, also for those folks that pay the bills as well, but mostly it is all about ME.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Help, I've Fallen And....I'm Pretty Sure I Can Get Up
I have no idea how I came to be in this deep, dark place. My life had been so blessed and I had been seemingly so in control. Now I have drifted into a place that is so murky, so without hope and I feel little control over this demon living within. Yes, I have fallen face first into a bag of Trader Joe’s Kettle Corn and I am clawing my way out.
How did this happen to me? It started so innocently, with a few handfuls of the sweetly salty morsels to accompany a bit of Dr. Phil. Lost in the drama unfolding on television, several more fistfuls are driven into my salivating mouth. Come commercial time, the bag is now 80% gone. I ponder finding a Chip Clip to seal the bag, but who wants the remnants of this disaster? Plus, shame falls around me and I sincerely want all evidence of this completely out of control moment to vanish. Shaking the final bit of delectable dust into my mouth, the bag is quickly crumpled into it’s smallest possible form and shoved deep into the kitchen garbage can.
No control. That is the only way to describe it. This was a ground breaking moment for me and I knew that without control in this corner of my life, I was certain to lose it in other areas as well. Next thing you know the kids will have no clean clothes, the cable will be shut off, the dog will never make it to the groomers and poor Scott will suffer having a fridge barren of Budweiser.
I have been thin all my life. I was the kind of girl that you hated, the one that could eat with abandon and exercise was a foreign term. Yes with these habits, and at 5’7”, I was around 110 through my late teens, 115 in my twenties and 125 in my thirties. I was usually a size 6 or 8, but had occasional size 4 moments when life was particularly hectic. The most I ever weighed was 165 when I was nine months pregnant and retaining gallons of water due to preeclampsia. I still remember the horror of looking at that number in the doctor’s office. The fact that the weight gain was due to a serious medical condition took back seat to concern over that much-too-large number.
Once I hit forty my body changed in ways I never could have imagined, with weight gain being just one component of the roller coaster ride (my very patient husband can fill you in on some of the other peri-menopausal joys). Each year I would pack on five or six mystery pounds, thus forcing me to buy a new wardrobe every season. It was befuddling to me, as I knew that none of my habits had changed. It was just this damn body I was stuck in, one that no longer felt like my own.
I vowed that the Kettle Corn incident would be the last out of control moment of my life. Not only was I increasingly not happy with how I looked, I was not pleased with the way I felt about myself as a person. Grown women should not hand over their power to a bag of snack foods…or chocolate…or cheesecake. Further, what sort of example am I setting for my children?
So this was my break through moment. Yes, it happened very (very!) recently, thus my journey has just begun. The first step of my path was realizing that what I had done historically was not working for me and what I needed was to change direction in my life. I didn’t yet know if that meant Weight Watchers or aerobics or even taping my mouth shut. But, a change was in order and I have now committed myself to a lifestyle change. Won’t you join me, even as a spectator, on this voyage?
How did this happen to me? It started so innocently, with a few handfuls of the sweetly salty morsels to accompany a bit of Dr. Phil. Lost in the drama unfolding on television, several more fistfuls are driven into my salivating mouth. Come commercial time, the bag is now 80% gone. I ponder finding a Chip Clip to seal the bag, but who wants the remnants of this disaster? Plus, shame falls around me and I sincerely want all evidence of this completely out of control moment to vanish. Shaking the final bit of delectable dust into my mouth, the bag is quickly crumpled into it’s smallest possible form and shoved deep into the kitchen garbage can.
No control. That is the only way to describe it. This was a ground breaking moment for me and I knew that without control in this corner of my life, I was certain to lose it in other areas as well. Next thing you know the kids will have no clean clothes, the cable will be shut off, the dog will never make it to the groomers and poor Scott will suffer having a fridge barren of Budweiser.
I have been thin all my life. I was the kind of girl that you hated, the one that could eat with abandon and exercise was a foreign term. Yes with these habits, and at 5’7”, I was around 110 through my late teens, 115 in my twenties and 125 in my thirties. I was usually a size 6 or 8, but had occasional size 4 moments when life was particularly hectic. The most I ever weighed was 165 when I was nine months pregnant and retaining gallons of water due to preeclampsia. I still remember the horror of looking at that number in the doctor’s office. The fact that the weight gain was due to a serious medical condition took back seat to concern over that much-too-large number.
Once I hit forty my body changed in ways I never could have imagined, with weight gain being just one component of the roller coaster ride (my very patient husband can fill you in on some of the other peri-menopausal joys). Each year I would pack on five or six mystery pounds, thus forcing me to buy a new wardrobe every season. It was befuddling to me, as I knew that none of my habits had changed. It was just this damn body I was stuck in, one that no longer felt like my own.
I vowed that the Kettle Corn incident would be the last out of control moment of my life. Not only was I increasingly not happy with how I looked, I was not pleased with the way I felt about myself as a person. Grown women should not hand over their power to a bag of snack foods…or chocolate…or cheesecake. Further, what sort of example am I setting for my children?
So this was my break through moment. Yes, it happened very (very!) recently, thus my journey has just begun. The first step of my path was realizing that what I had done historically was not working for me and what I needed was to change direction in my life. I didn’t yet know if that meant Weight Watchers or aerobics or even taping my mouth shut. But, a change was in order and I have now committed myself to a lifestyle change. Won’t you join me, even as a spectator, on this voyage?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Jon & Kate Plus 8 = Addictive TV
Last night at 8:00 I coerced my family to huddle ‘round the television with me and watch with great interest the newest episodes of “Jon & Kate Plus 8”. Six year old Paige willingly joined in, but sixteen year old Bradley and 40-something Scott were less than enthusiastic. After a series of my “Didn’t I watch the hockey play-offs?” and “I watched the top 100 heavy metal song show with you!” remarks they complied and sunk deep into their respective chairs. I could feel the glares upon me, but pressed on like any voyeuristic soldier.
I adore this show. Now, more than ever, I am completely enthralled. I started kinda-sorta watching a few years back at it’s inception, intrigued by the magnitude of their family and how they seemed to pull it all together. I think any parent struggling to toilet train one child or coping with one picky eater is interested in how parents of multiples handle dealing with these issues in bulk.
Plus, it was rather amusing the sort of verbal jousting they engaged in and how despite it all they seemed to have genuine affection for each other. Jon’s rolling eyes, Kate’s mocking attitude, their secretive defiance of each other….all so engaging. Oh, and of course those too cute kids. Cute as a button, all eight of them.
So I would watch this reality show now and again if I happened to stumble upon it, hoping to glean a helpful parenting tidbit or two. I learned, for instance, to stop catering to my own Picky Paige and just serve her what we are having for dinner (parents of multiples just don’t have the time or energy to run a Denny’s out of their kitchen). Paige has yet to starve herself, thank goodness, and has even learned to love mushrooms.
Then the drama hit. Allegations of affairs, infighting, separation and painful coexistence were all the talk and suddenly my passive interest in the show rose to a new level and my interest was quite captured. It was like peering into the window of your perfect neighbors and having an All Access Pass to their pain. It isn’t joy or amusement that I feel at watching all of this transpire - more like simply odd curiosity. The first episode of the season last week had record viewership, everyone wanting to see…would they sit together on the couch, would they address the rumors, would they admit to being in a failing marriage?
So we watched. And waited. And mostly was delivered what we expected, leaving little to speculation. By appearances, we are watching the beginning or middle of a dying relationship. It is with sickening fascination that we watch, but we watch all the same. Perhaps to feel better about our own thriving marriage, possibly to feel superior to this Oh-So-Perfect Kate, maybe just to align ourselves to one of the parties. To me it all feels just plain sad. Yet, there I sit with my family insisting that we click over to TLC, compelled to see what is next for this family.
I now find myself also seeking out reruns of “Jon & Kate Plus 8”, hoping to decode old episodes to see if there are clues to what is presently happening. As my husband will tell you, I have a need to overanalyze things and try to get to the genesis of all things troublesome. Oh, yeah ~ Scott is one lucky guy! I would like to think that I am putting my Psych degree to good use.
I know that there is a whole other side to this drama that the cameras will never capture. I know that I would never sign up for this and have my guts on display for all the world to examine. I know that the eight kids are sure to suffer in the midst of all this and certain to harbor some resentment when they are old enough to process this nonsense.
I also know that I will tune in again next week. If the producer’s goal was to hook us helpless viewers with the dangling carrot of a deteriorating marriage…mission accomplished. Ah, we are such suckers.
I adore this show. Now, more than ever, I am completely enthralled. I started kinda-sorta watching a few years back at it’s inception, intrigued by the magnitude of their family and how they seemed to pull it all together. I think any parent struggling to toilet train one child or coping with one picky eater is interested in how parents of multiples handle dealing with these issues in bulk.
Plus, it was rather amusing the sort of verbal jousting they engaged in and how despite it all they seemed to have genuine affection for each other. Jon’s rolling eyes, Kate’s mocking attitude, their secretive defiance of each other….all so engaging. Oh, and of course those too cute kids. Cute as a button, all eight of them.
So I would watch this reality show now and again if I happened to stumble upon it, hoping to glean a helpful parenting tidbit or two. I learned, for instance, to stop catering to my own Picky Paige and just serve her what we are having for dinner (parents of multiples just don’t have the time or energy to run a Denny’s out of their kitchen). Paige has yet to starve herself, thank goodness, and has even learned to love mushrooms.
Then the drama hit. Allegations of affairs, infighting, separation and painful coexistence were all the talk and suddenly my passive interest in the show rose to a new level and my interest was quite captured. It was like peering into the window of your perfect neighbors and having an All Access Pass to their pain. It isn’t joy or amusement that I feel at watching all of this transpire - more like simply odd curiosity. The first episode of the season last week had record viewership, everyone wanting to see…would they sit together on the couch, would they address the rumors, would they admit to being in a failing marriage?
So we watched. And waited. And mostly was delivered what we expected, leaving little to speculation. By appearances, we are watching the beginning or middle of a dying relationship. It is with sickening fascination that we watch, but we watch all the same. Perhaps to feel better about our own thriving marriage, possibly to feel superior to this Oh-So-Perfect Kate, maybe just to align ourselves to one of the parties. To me it all feels just plain sad. Yet, there I sit with my family insisting that we click over to TLC, compelled to see what is next for this family.
I now find myself also seeking out reruns of “Jon & Kate Plus 8”, hoping to decode old episodes to see if there are clues to what is presently happening. As my husband will tell you, I have a need to overanalyze things and try to get to the genesis of all things troublesome. Oh, yeah ~ Scott is one lucky guy! I would like to think that I am putting my Psych degree to good use.
I know that there is a whole other side to this drama that the cameras will never capture. I know that I would never sign up for this and have my guts on display for all the world to examine. I know that the eight kids are sure to suffer in the midst of all this and certain to harbor some resentment when they are old enough to process this nonsense.
I also know that I will tune in again next week. If the producer’s goal was to hook us helpless viewers with the dangling carrot of a deteriorating marriage…mission accomplished. Ah, we are such suckers.
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