I would like to preface this blog, and all related blogs to follow, by saying that I am not a child support collection expert. I am not an attorney, financial advisor or CPA. I am just a mother that desperately wants what is best for her children, including protecting their financial interests. I would also like to mention that the current support owed to me by my first husband is a staggering $70,000. Bear in mind that this is support only and does not include 50% of other owed expenses such as medical insurance, day care expenses, and school tuition. If we crunched those numbers, we would be closer to $100,000. The current order that is in place for this case, not that it seriously matters because the ex could care less, is a mere $70 per week. This means that if I started get support today…literally, today…that he would be all paid up sans any interest in 1,000 weeks. For those of you without a calculator handy, this is about 20 years. Yes, I will be collecting child support at the same time I am collecting Medicare. Even as I reflect on this, my stomach twists and turns in a maddening cocktail of rage, astonishment and pure helplessness.
While I live in Illinois, I also have experience with the child support system in both Ohio and Florida. However, it seems that Illinois is light-years behind many other states when it comes to child support enforcement and my case is no exception. I wonder at times if I am too lax in my approach or too patient in waiting for what is owed me. The fact of the matter is that it takes time, energy and money to pursue delinquent child support and I am short on all of those things. As a freelance writer, if I am not at home working on a project for a client then I do not get paid. I do not have the luxury of abandoning my work in pursuit of money that I know in my gut I may never receive.
In the last 6 months I have traveled four times more than 120 miles round-trip to the Lake County Courthouse in Waukegan, Illinois. This is nearly 500 miles and with gas nearing $4 per gallon I have spent $100 in order to get a zero net return. Obviously, this does not even include the money I could be making if I were at home for those hours actually making money. Yes, I would end up making more money if I simply stopped pursuing child support. How sickening is that?
My current husband, who is pragmatic almost to a fault, believes that I should simply wash my hands of the matter and if money floats our way, so be it. And if it does not, I will have saved myself money, endless tears and nonstop aggravation. He knows that this outstanding balance will never evaporate and that it will eventually catch up with the ex. He knows that in a thousand different ways our lives are more magnificent than the ex could even hope to imagine for himself. Of course, he is right. But let’s not tell him that….yet.
Because my case is being handled by the Illinois States Attorney’s office I am at their mercy regarding whether they actually act on my case. I cannot reach anyone by phone, by fax or by mail. For those who have never lived within the child support system, you probably imagine that as soon as a check is missing you can pick up the phone and say, “Well, he is late again. Please do something”. It simply does not work like that. In the 16 years that I have been dealing with this matter, I have stood before a judge a total of three times. The first time was six months ago when the ex asked for a reduction in support (granted). A reduction? Are you freaking kidding me? The second time was a month ago when the judge wanted (after I pleaded a bit previously) an update on the exes employment status. In that case, he never even showed up and so the case was continued until yesterday. Yes, read that again…he never even showed up to court. Surely something happens in that case, right? I mean, contempt or a fine or something? Nothing. I stood in front of the judge feeling as though my head was going to explode. It did not and I drove home with tears streaming down my cheeks.
There is so much to this case that I will continue nearly daily updates on this until either I get a bit of money or I finally take my husband’s advice to walk away from this frustrating journey. Stay tuned as tomorrow I will outline for you just what my ex is missing out on, when it comes to my amazing son and why my son has made his own choice to walk away from his biological father.
Showing posts with label childhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label childhood. Show all posts
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
What's Your Problem?!
When you talk to people about their childhoods, as I am prone to doing since I am nosy like that, there are typically either a long or short list of complaints that they are quick to register. Maybe their father never said "I love you" or their mother was overbearing or a sibling was clearly the preferred Golden Child. Of course, some complaints are actually rather serious (read: abusive). For the purposes of this blog, that is not truly what I am talking about. I mean, just general bitching and moaning that they were ripped off by not having the ideal childhood. Or, what they presume is ideal.
I mention this because I recently interviewed my brother for a book I am writing about our father. This brother, who shall remain nameless for no real reason other than the fact that "remain nameless" sounds cool and mysterious, is the kind of guy that appears to be totally self-sufficient. Really together. Very much in control and wanting for nothing emotionally. One of those people that accepts whatever life has thrown at them and makes the best of it without looking back. No regrets, no repairs required.
So I was surprised when this Nameless Brother (still uber mysterious, no?) went on and on during our interview about how he had yearned for more attention, affection and positive reinforcement during his childhood. Even now, some 50 years later, these soft emotions and deep disappointment were so apparent. Believe me, we did not come from a neglectful home and he got, in terms of attention, pretty much about the same amount as any other kids in our upper middle class slice of suburbia.
But I don't want to talk about him....this is my blog, so let's bring this back around to me (see, we all crave attention). My own children, Brilliant Bradley and Perfect Paige, have had what I consider a super blessed childhood. Great vacations, constant encouragement, life in a safe subdivision, loads of opportunities, and fully supportive parents. Seriously, in the Championship Of Parenting, my husband and I have successfully landed in the top 10%.
Which leads me back around to my first thought -- childhood complaints. I can't help but wonder that when my kids are quizzed by some nosy friend, neighbor or other intrusive freak about their own childhood, what will they say? Since we all have mild to moderate (if we're lucky) complaints about what went down the first 18 years of our lives, what will these kids who share my DNA say? There must be something.....right? How about "My mother loved me too much" or "My dad provided excessive positive reinforcement" or "What, you think it is so great to be told that you are loved a dozen times per day". Maybe it will be like one of those job interviews where you are asked about your weaknesses and you are supposed to present them in such a way that they are actually strengths. "I am too honest" or "I tend to be a perfectionist". Side note: Seriously, do human resources professional actually believe that BS? What do they really think when people say that? Probably that they are hiding some serious personal flaw, like they plan to pilfer the company pens and steal their co-workers ham on rye sandwich from the communal staff fridge.
In one way I can peep into the future on this one. My kids are space nearly ten years apart, so in a few years I can quiz 18 year Brilliant Bradley about his childhood and then still have a few good years to fix whatever I have broken with Perfect Paige. Still, I think we are clean. You know why? Because amazing children make parenting easy.
I mention this because I recently interviewed my brother for a book I am writing about our father. This brother, who shall remain nameless for no real reason other than the fact that "remain nameless" sounds cool and mysterious, is the kind of guy that appears to be totally self-sufficient. Really together. Very much in control and wanting for nothing emotionally. One of those people that accepts whatever life has thrown at them and makes the best of it without looking back. No regrets, no repairs required.
So I was surprised when this Nameless Brother (still uber mysterious, no?) went on and on during our interview about how he had yearned for more attention, affection and positive reinforcement during his childhood. Even now, some 50 years later, these soft emotions and deep disappointment were so apparent. Believe me, we did not come from a neglectful home and he got, in terms of attention, pretty much about the same amount as any other kids in our upper middle class slice of suburbia.
But I don't want to talk about him....this is my blog, so let's bring this back around to me (see, we all crave attention). My own children, Brilliant Bradley and Perfect Paige, have had what I consider a super blessed childhood. Great vacations, constant encouragement, life in a safe subdivision, loads of opportunities, and fully supportive parents. Seriously, in the Championship Of Parenting, my husband and I have successfully landed in the top 10%.
Which leads me back around to my first thought -- childhood complaints. I can't help but wonder that when my kids are quizzed by some nosy friend, neighbor or other intrusive freak about their own childhood, what will they say? Since we all have mild to moderate (if we're lucky) complaints about what went down the first 18 years of our lives, what will these kids who share my DNA say? There must be something.....right? How about "My mother loved me too much" or "My dad provided excessive positive reinforcement" or "What, you think it is so great to be told that you are loved a dozen times per day". Maybe it will be like one of those job interviews where you are asked about your weaknesses and you are supposed to present them in such a way that they are actually strengths. "I am too honest" or "I tend to be a perfectionist". Side note: Seriously, do human resources professional actually believe that BS? What do they really think when people say that? Probably that they are hiding some serious personal flaw, like they plan to pilfer the company pens and steal their co-workers ham on rye sandwich from the communal staff fridge.
In one way I can peep into the future on this one. My kids are space nearly ten years apart, so in a few years I can quiz 18 year Brilliant Bradley about his childhood and then still have a few good years to fix whatever I have broken with Perfect Paige. Still, I think we are clean. You know why? Because amazing children make parenting easy.
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