The Real Price That Deadbeat Parents Pay

Many of the myths surrounding child support continue to shock and surprise me, even 16 years into my own process. As I peruse child support forums in preparation for this blog, and for my own information, there are several fairytales that persist. The most common one is this: The money I pay to my ex does not go to my kid. Every single time a parent paying $30 or $100 per week makes this allegation I am torn between laughing and screaming. The kids in question needs clothing, food, shelter, education, social activities, medical care, haircuts, new shoes, a blow dryer, eyeglasses, poster board for a school project, tights for a ballet performance, knee pads for soccer, money for a field trip, and more. You really believe your small amount is going to some other cause? Not a chance. In fact, your small amount does not even begin to impact the real expenses that the child incurs. There are costs you cannot even wrap your brain around, such as having to rent a 2 bedroom apartment for $1,000 versus a one bedroom at $800 because you have a child. Or, buying a home in a great school district for $325,000 versus one in a mediocre district for $275,000.

The fact of the matter is that the custodial parent has no choice in paying for these expenses, whether the non-custodial parent pays up or not. Can she go to the school and say “Sorry, can’t pay tuition until my ex pays me”? Can she tell the child, “Nope, no new eyeglasses until Daddy comes through”? No, the expenses need to be paid and the custodial parent just prays that the money comes through…eventually….someday. If there is such a concept of economic or fiscal abuse, this is it. And it is abuse that the custodial parent cannot walk away from.

Something I have heard hundreds of times in my own Child Support Journey is, “All you care about is money”. Funny, only folks that owe other people money say things like this. It is an attempt to make me look petty, superficial and shallow. It does not work and fails to affect me personally, because I know that whether the money is there or not I am still on the frontlines of parenting taking care of financial needs, emotional needs, academic needs, social needs and basic needs. I need to do that whether I have gotten $100 in the last month or $100 in the last year. My duties as a parent endure, even as the flow of money stops. The bottom line is this: The money matters.

Still, deadbeat parents do pay a price that is much higher than just the money piece. I have yet to talk to a deadbeat parent that has a close and loving relationship with their child. In fact, the older the child gets the more they realize the truth of the matter even as the custodial parent never says a word about her financial strain. In my own case, I never once spoke to my child about the money owed as I felt that this was a burden that a child does not need thrust upon their shoulders. On the other hand, I also never once withheld visitation in some nasty effort to punish my ex. My very wise divorce attorney told me early on that money and visitation are completely separate issues and that one has no bearing on the other. He also said that I should always do the right thing even as the other parent did the wrong thing, because if we ever end up back in court I will want to stand before the judge with clean hands. There were years where I got zero dollars even as my child visited his father nearly every weekend.

As Bradley matured, though, the truth of the matter became evident to him and he knew that a man that did not care for his child from a financial perspective did not care about him at all. The easy part is going to the park or the movies or riding bikes with your kid. The hard part is putting your child’s financial needs ahead of your own and saying to yourself, “Gee, I really need to get in shape and would love a gym membership, but my child needs braces”. Know how often a custodial parent that is owed money says such things to themselves? Daily.

Now, so many years later, my son has turned into an amazing young man ready to start college in six weeks. Two years ago he opted on his own and for very personal reasons to walk away from his father for good. And, he has never looked back. His biological father did not see him graduate from high school, will not see him graduate from college, will not see him marry, and will never know his grandchildren. He will never know the pain of sharing Bradley’s heartaches or the pure joy as he has fallen in love with a lovely young woman. He will not be there to help select a graduate school, fuss over buying the perfect first car or help straighten his tie for his first job interview.

He has sold all of this privilege, all of this honor, all of this blessing for five digits worth of past due support. What a shame for him.

A Broken Child Support System

I would like to preface this blog, and all related blogs to follow, by saying that I am not a child support collection expert. I am not an attorney, financial advisor or CPA. I am just a mother that desperately wants what is best for her children, including protecting their financial interests. I would also like to mention that the current support owed to me by my first husband is a staggering $70,000. Bear in mind that this is support only and does not include 50% of other owed expenses such as medical insurance, day care expenses, and school tuition. If we crunched those numbers, we would be closer to $100,000. The current order that is in place for this case, not that it seriously matters because the ex could care less, is a mere $70 per week. This means that if I started get support today…literally, today…that he would be all paid up sans any interest in 1,000 weeks. For those of you without a calculator handy, this is about 20 years. Yes, I will be collecting child support at the same time I am collecting Medicare. Even as I reflect on this, my stomach twists and turns in a maddening cocktail of rage, astonishment and pure helplessness.

While I live in Illinois, I also have experience with the child support system in both Ohio and Florida. However, it seems that Illinois is light-years behind many other states when it comes to child support enforcement and my case is no exception. I wonder at times if I am too lax in my approach or too patient in waiting for what is owed me. The fact of the matter is that it takes time, energy and money to pursue delinquent child support and I am short on all of those things. As a freelance writer, if I am not at home working on a project for a client then I do not get paid. I do not have the luxury of abandoning my work in pursuit of money that I know in my gut I may never receive.

In the last 6 months I have traveled four times more than 120 miles round-trip to the Lake County Courthouse in Waukegan, Illinois. This is nearly 500 miles and with gas nearing $4 per gallon I have spent $100 in order to get a zero net return. Obviously, this does not even include the money I could be making if I were at home for those hours actually making money. Yes, I would end up making more money if I simply stopped pursuing child support. How sickening is that?

My current husband, who is pragmatic almost to a fault, believes that I should simply wash my hands of the matter and if money floats our way, so be it. And if it does not, I will have saved myself money, endless tears and nonstop aggravation. He knows that this outstanding balance will never evaporate and that it will eventually catch up with the ex. He knows that in a thousand different ways our lives are more magnificent than the ex could even hope to imagine for himself. Of course, he is right. But let’s not tell him that….yet.

Because my case is being handled by the Illinois States Attorney’s office I am at their mercy regarding whether they actually act on my case. I cannot reach anyone by phone, by fax or by mail. For those who have never lived within the child support system, you probably imagine that as soon as a check is missing you can pick up the phone and say, “Well, he is late again. Please do something”. It simply does not work like that. In the 16 years that I have been dealing with this matter, I have stood before a judge a total of three times. The first time was six months ago when the ex asked for a reduction in support (granted). A reduction? Are you freaking kidding me? The second time was a month ago when the judge wanted (after I pleaded a bit previously) an update on the exes employment status. In that case, he never even showed up and so the case was continued until yesterday. Yes, read that again…he never even showed up to court. Surely something happens in that case, right? I mean, contempt or a fine or something? Nothing. I stood in front of the judge feeling as though my head was going to explode. It did not and I drove home with tears streaming down my cheeks.

There is so much to this case that I will continue nearly daily updates on this until either I get a bit of money or I finally take my husband’s advice to walk away from this frustrating journey. Stay tuned as tomorrow I will outline for you just what my ex is missing out on, when it comes to my amazing son and why my son has made his own choice to walk away from his biological father.