The Gift That Truly Says It All

A few weeks ago my husband Scott and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary. Our romantic history is long and complex, having started not one decade ago but actually 36 years ago. We met in 7th grade in a cooking class at our junior high school. Love at first sight? Hardly. But it was, in fact, best friendship from the very beginning. Too young for love at age 12, we instead became the best of friends.

As time passed, we eventually tip-toed around an actual romance. Still, the thought of trading in a surefire friendship for a questionable romance was more than the two of us could consider. We moved on to other relationships and eventually both got married and then divorced. We remained in contact through it all, grateful that our solid friendship sustained where other relationships had faltered and failed. Scott came to visit me in Illinois from his home in Florida 11 years ago and from the moment I saw him standing in the doorway of my suburban Chicago home, I knew for certain what had remained only uncertain in the past: We belonged together.

Within five months we were seriously dating. Within 7 months we were engaged. And within 12 months we were finally married. A lifetime of deep friendship had morphed into a love affair and we were finally in the right place, at the right time, and with the right person. It was bliss ten years ago and it is bliss today. We are the couple that some choose to hate…an opinion that we completely understand. Holding hands in the grocery store, dancing in the kitchen, and endless inside jokes are the hallmarks of our life together.

Still, as often happens with married couples, we find that so much of the time we spend together is business oriented. Not just the business that we actually run as a livelihood, but the business of marriage and parenting. You know, those deep conversations that married people have, about getting colonoscopies or which pizza place to order from or who will be picking our daughter up from ballet. Three minute conversations that are 100% practical and goal oriented. This is no way to stay connected to your life partner and ensure that the marriage continues to be rooted in friendship.

As our 10 year anniversary approached, we discussed what we would do to celebrate this big benchmark in our marriage. Maybe a cruise was in order. Or a big celebration with our extended family. Perhaps a major purchase for our household. As we talked and talked about our possibilities we both came to the same conclusion about what we wanted out of our celebration: togetherness. We just wanted extended time together in an attempt not just to keep the love alive, but to revitalize the friendship as well.

What we settled on was a good old fashioned road trip wherein we drove from our home in the Chicago area to Niagara Falls. We were gone for 7 days and tried not to drive for more than 250 miles per day. It was leisurely and lovely. We winded our way through wine country, the shoreline of Lake Erie, Amish country, the Alleghany Forest and stopped at more than a dozen McDonalds’ for coffees and Diet Cokes. And all the while we talked. And talked. And then talked a bit more. We talked about everything from where we should retire to what sort of car we should buy next to where we should go on vacation next summer. We laughed, we made up silly sayings, sang along with songs from the 1970s and adored just being near each other. Corny? Yes. But also true.

As it turns out, ten years into marriage he is still my very best friend. I knew that all along, but sometimes it just takes moments like this to be gently reminded. The very best gift we could possibly give to each other was the gift of our time and our attention. It was, in a word, priceless.

Jon & Kate Plus 8 = Addictive TV

Last night at 8:00 I coerced my family to huddle ‘round the television with me and watch with great interest the newest episodes of “Jon & Kate Plus 8”. Six year old Paige willingly joined in, but sixteen year old Bradley and 40-something Scott were less than enthusiastic. After a series of my “Didn’t I watch the hockey play-offs?” and “I watched the top 100 heavy metal song show with you!” remarks they complied and sunk deep into their respective chairs. I could feel the glares upon me, but pressed on like any voyeuristic soldier.


I adore this show. Now, more than ever, I am completely enthralled. I started kinda-sorta watching a few years back at it’s inception, intrigued by the magnitude of their family and how they seemed to pull it all together. I think any parent struggling to toilet train one child or coping with one picky eater is interested in how parents of multiples handle dealing with these issues in bulk.
Plus, it was rather amusing the sort of verbal jousting they engaged in and how despite it all they seemed to have genuine affection for each other. Jon’s rolling eyes, Kate’s mocking attitude, their secretive defiance of each other….all so engaging. Oh, and of course those too cute kids. Cute as a button, all eight of them.


So I would watch this reality show now and again if I happened to stumble upon it, hoping to glean a helpful parenting tidbit or two. I learned, for instance, to stop catering to my own Picky Paige and just serve her what we are having for dinner (parents of multiples just don’t have the time or energy to run a Denny’s out of their kitchen). Paige has yet to starve herself, thank goodness, and has even learned to love mushrooms.


Then the drama hit. Allegations of affairs, infighting, separation and painful coexistence were all the talk and suddenly my passive interest in the show rose to a new level and my interest was quite captured. It was like peering into the window of your perfect neighbors and having an All Access Pass to their pain. It isn’t joy or amusement that I feel at watching all of this transpire - more like simply odd curiosity. The first episode of the season last week had record viewership, everyone wanting to see…would they sit together on the couch, would they address the rumors, would they admit to being in a failing marriage?


So we watched. And waited. And mostly was delivered what we expected, leaving little to speculation. By appearances, we are watching the beginning or middle of a dying relationship. It is with sickening fascination that we watch, but we watch all the same. Perhaps to feel better about our own thriving marriage, possibly to feel superior to this Oh-So-Perfect Kate, maybe just to align ourselves to one of the parties. To me it all feels just plain sad. Yet, there I sit with my family insisting that we click over to TLC, compelled to see what is next for this family.


I now find myself also seeking out reruns of “Jon & Kate Plus 8”, hoping to decode old episodes to see if there are clues to what is presently happening. As my husband will tell you, I have a need to overanalyze things and try to get to the genesis of all things troublesome. Oh, yeah ~ Scott is one lucky guy! I would like to think that I am putting my Psych degree to good use.


I know that there is a whole other side to this drama that the cameras will never capture. I know that I would never sign up for this and have my guts on display for all the world to examine. I know that the eight kids are sure to suffer in the midst of all this and certain to harbor some resentment when they are old enough to process this nonsense.


I also know that I will tune in again next week. If the producer’s goal was to hook us helpless viewers with the dangling carrot of a deteriorating marriage…mission accomplished. Ah, we are such suckers.