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Monday, July 11, 2011

The Real Price That Deadbeat Parents Pay

Many of the myths surrounding child support continue to shock and surprise me, even 16 years into my own process. As I peruse child support forums in preparation for this blog, and for my own information, there are several fairytales that persist. The most common one is this: The money I pay to my ex does not go to my kid. Every single time a parent paying $30 or $100 per week makes this allegation I am torn between laughing and screaming. The kids in question needs clothing, food, shelter, education, social activities, medical care, haircuts, new shoes, a blow dryer, eyeglasses, poster board for a school project, tights for a ballet performance, knee pads for soccer, money for a field trip, and more. You really believe your small amount is going to some other cause? Not a chance. In fact, your small amount does not even begin to impact the real expenses that the child incurs. There are costs you cannot even wrap your brain around, such as having to rent a 2 bedroom apartment for $1,000 versus a one bedroom at $800 because you have a child. Or, buying a home in a great school district for $325,000 versus one in a mediocre district for $275,000.

The fact of the matter is that the custodial parent has no choice in paying for these expenses, whether the non-custodial parent pays up or not. Can she go to the school and say “Sorry, can’t pay tuition until my ex pays me”? Can she tell the child, “Nope, no new eyeglasses until Daddy comes through”? No, the expenses need to be paid and the custodial parent just prays that the money comes through…eventually….someday. If there is such a concept of economic or fiscal abuse, this is it. And it is abuse that the custodial parent cannot walk away from.

Something I have heard hundreds of times in my own Child Support Journey is, “All you care about is money”. Funny, only folks that owe other people money say things like this. It is an attempt to make me look petty, superficial and shallow. It does not work and fails to affect me personally, because I know that whether the money is there or not I am still on the frontlines of parenting taking care of financial needs, emotional needs, academic needs, social needs and basic needs. I need to do that whether I have gotten $100 in the last month or $100 in the last year. My duties as a parent endure, even as the flow of money stops. The bottom line is this: The money matters.

Still, deadbeat parents do pay a price that is much higher than just the money piece. I have yet to talk to a deadbeat parent that has a close and loving relationship with their child. In fact, the older the child gets the more they realize the truth of the matter even as the custodial parent never says a word about her financial strain. In my own case, I never once spoke to my child about the money owed as I felt that this was a burden that a child does not need thrust upon their shoulders. On the other hand, I also never once withheld visitation in some nasty effort to punish my ex. My very wise divorce attorney told me early on that money and visitation are completely separate issues and that one has no bearing on the other. He also said that I should always do the right thing even as the other parent did the wrong thing, because if we ever end up back in court I will want to stand before the judge with clean hands. There were years where I got zero dollars even as my child visited his father nearly every weekend.

As Bradley matured, though, the truth of the matter became evident to him and he knew that a man that did not care for his child from a financial perspective did not care about him at all. The easy part is going to the park or the movies or riding bikes with your kid. The hard part is putting your child’s financial needs ahead of your own and saying to yourself, “Gee, I really need to get in shape and would love a gym membership, but my child needs braces”. Know how often a custodial parent that is owed money says such things to themselves? Daily.

Now, so many years later, my son has turned into an amazing young man ready to start college in six weeks. Two years ago he opted on his own and for very personal reasons to walk away from his father for good. And, he has never looked back. His biological father did not see him graduate from high school, will not see him graduate from college, will not see him marry, and will never know his grandchildren. He will never know the pain of sharing Bradley’s heartaches or the pure joy as he has fallen in love with a lovely young woman. He will not be there to help select a graduate school, fuss over buying the perfect first car or help straighten his tie for his first job interview.

He has sold all of this privilege, all of this honor, all of this blessing for five digits worth of past due support. What a shame for him.

6 comments:

Leslie & Linda BLOGGERS said...

Couldn't have said it better. And I understand at all levels. My situation mirrors yours, but with three boys. It never ceases to amaze me. My kids are my life!

Anonymous said...

Wow Most deffantly we have much in common except of course my husbands ex wife is the one court ordered to pay support. Ive heard all the excuses and drama that she likes to do and of course its all my husband and my fault.. I wish you all the luch.!!!!

Leslie & Linda BLOGGERS said...

Mommy--doesnt it amaze you, the lack of accountability and how it is everyone elses fault.

Joanna V Hunter said...

This is too often the sad truth - withhold support payments to punish and continue to control the victim of abuse - at the expense of the children.
Joanna V Hunter, author of: But He'll Change; End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship

Unknown said...

Ahh, so amazing that the one who can not afford to raise the child without the added income would ridicule the breadwinner.

I pay child support, and am married to a woman that recieves (barely ever) child support. Amazingly, if our household does not recieve support from my step-daughters dad; she is still provided with everything she needs and much of what she wants.

I pay child support to a woman that won a default parenting plan, stating I had "abandoned" my family, when in reality I was AT WAR in Iraq. She created such a mess of the divorce and associated proceedings, that not a single lawyer will touch the case for less than a 5,000 dollar retainer.

When one of my children reached the age of 18, the Child Support Enforcement office sent my ex a form to have signed by the school to prove my daughter was attending. This was the FIRST time in 10 years I heard from my ex and my daughters. They petitioned for MORE Child Support. The motion was denied, because the judge concluded that she was after nothing more than income....Did I mention that this was a FEMALE judge?

So while I will agree there are some non-custodial parents out there that are useless; that is not always the case. Just as there are custodial parents that use their children as income, and pawns in their sick, selfish game of chess.

I would love to see accountability for the money recieved for child support. When my wife does recieve her occasional support payment, the money is placed in a college fund for my step daughter...and the statment is shared with her father annually. I would really like to see there be a requirement that the parent recieving support has to account for at a minimum 2/3 of the support recieved to show that it went to directly benefit the child(ren) in the form of clothing, sundries, schooling, etc. The other 1/3 could be applied to rent, utilities, gasoline, etc. Since when last I checked, children typically do not have to pay rent, and just because there is a divorce should not mean that money intended for the child is instead used to provide a roof. If you can not afford the child, maybe the parent who can should be the custodial parent.

SusieAD said...

I was divorced in 1995 and my son was emancipated due to age as of 2011 (although I am still supporting him, as he is attending college next month). The current $70/week order is applied towards arrearage only and is not a current support order. The support orders have varied through the years from a low of $65/week to a high of $110/week, with an overall 16 year average of $90/week. If he had paid 100% of this amount it would have been... $90 x 52 (weeks) x 16 (years) = $74,880

Add to that 50% child care expense for 6 years of $85 per week (or, $13,260). We are now at....$88,140

Add to that 50% of health insurance and unreimbursed healthcare expenses which averaged $150 per month for 16 years, or $14,400. We are now at... $102,540

My ex has paid the occasional support, but clearly not enough. As of today, I have received zero in support since November of 2010. Previously, there have been literally years in which zero payments were made...not days without payment or weeks without payment, but years. This includes the time that he fled out of state to avoid support payments...successfully, I might add, since it took quite some time to catch up with him. He has paid, as a matter of fact, about 30% of what he has owed through the years. Is there any of "debt" whereby you can opt to only pay 30% and shrug your shoulders at the balance? My ex is not the "breadwinner" and clearly never has been. I have been. My current husband has been. And my son has wanted for nothing through the years. I have made more than my ex for all of these years and have asked for nothing more than what is owed. As noted above, he has paid in actuality approximately $32,000 over the course of 16 years. This is about $5 per day. If he had paid 100% of what was owed, he would have paid close to $17 per day. Do you truly believe that I have spent less than $20 per day on my son? For: food, shelter, clothing, tuition, insurance, medical expenses, vacations, laptop, Internet access, college application fees, shoes, hair cuts, prom pictures, driving school, school supplies, cell phone, guitar lessons, books, eyeglasses, shampoo, medication, football games, movies, birthday parties, soccer gear, tennis lessons, school trips, college orientation fees and more?