And Then My Heart Stopped

I heard someone say once that having a child is like having your heart reside outside of your body. If I could recall who specifically said it, I certainly would give them proper attribution. At this point I really can not think of much of anything except the never ending health problems of my 15 year old baby. By all accounts Bradley was just a normal, mouthy, tall, cute and funny kid until the summer of 2006. He was complaining of leg pain which I primarily chalked up to "growing pains". I had read an article that firmly indicated that this truly does exist as a concept, so I told Bradley to shake it off. So it went for several days until my mother called me at work one day stating that Bradley could barely walk to the bathroom. Uh oh. As soon as I got home I took one look at the leg and it was considerably larger than the other. Be clear, Bradley was 13 at this point and I was no longer in the habit of inspecting his every limb. That sort of behavior begins to pass as soon as your kid hits elementary school. Regardless, he could not bear weight on his leg and a pained look would not fade from his blue eyed face. Fast forward a bit...trip to the pediatrician, admission to the hospital, and a diagnosis of an infection in the leg. The likely culprit was an infected toenail which Bradley has further infected with a dip into a tainted Michigan lake on a family getaway. Just as the infection seemed under control a clot developed in this leg. Life seemed to move in fast forward at this point, which included an emergent ambulance ride to Children's Memorial Hospital in Chicago for further specialized care. Even thinking of it now, it seems so very surreal. A bit more fast forwarding...the illness eventually seemed to resolve itself, but during the course of the next two years the leg remained swollen. We were told that this was par for the course, but we were also told that blood clots in kids is so rare that a firm treatment plan and expectation for the future was hard for the MDs to wrap their arms around. We take him again to the pediatrician just last week and this is when things take a shift. This doctor thinks that the swelling in the leg is unrelated to the clot and that there may be a completely alternative diagnosis (this is, of course, in addition to the blood clot and not in lieu of it). In rapid succession this guy start spewing words at me like Hematology, genetic disorder, Geneticist, possible kidney issues, adrenal cancer and more than I can care to remember. I frantically tried to take notes, but I could barely keep the pen in my hand or my thoughts in focus. And this is where we stand today -- between that trip to the pediatrician and the visit to the Hematologist this Friday. Bradley is depressed and frightened. Terror and concern and panic do not even seem to be large enough words for what I am feeling. I am overwhelmed and I am scared. Don't tell Bradley, though, as I am supposed to be the strong one. However, I feel weak and vulnerable. I feel like Mommy can not fix it all. I want answers, yet I want to plug my ears like a 5 year old and create another reality in my mind. This blessed little boy...little man...is still my baby.